I Cried in the Middle of Starbucks

Posted by Antoinette R. Banks | Posted in | Posted on Friday, February 25, 2011

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Two days ago I cried in Starbucks. Any of you who knows me personally is aware of my challenges with people ranging from family members to school teachers labeling my daughter autistic. To put it frankly, my daughter doesn’t fully communicate vocally.

It’s hard when the world is against you and the only comfort you have is trusting your mother instinct.  So what did I do? I doubted myself, questioned God, and put my daughter through a series of tests.  Now some people reading this post will say, “well, you have to rule out what is it,” “it’s better to catch the issues at a young age.”  And naturally, I followed suite.   But you know what the problem is?  I was treating my daughter like a sickness and mirroring Western medicine.  In our Western practices, we use science in a very analytical way...combining chemical compounds to treat our illnesses while ruining our body's natural defenses. And while I admire the doctor's persistence and affluent abilities, the challenge is perception. Doctor's commonly have a rigid focus and treat symptoms with as much medicine our frail bodies can handle instead of adopting holistic views to marry seamlessly with science. 

So, I said all that to say…I was treating my daughter as an ailment. I was ruling out all possibilites of what it could be.  I was listening to what other’s told me and not trusting my natural maternal instincts. I remember chanting silently to myself, “I am doing the right thing” as I looked into the rearview mirror and saw my daughter’s miserable expression. In her tiny face, I read so much.  I read, “mommy, I communicate in a way that’s comfortable for me” “mommy, I show you my love, why do I have to tell you?” “mommy, I’m ok.” 

I woke up with a defiant strength 4 weeks ago. THAT’S IT, NO MORE TESTS!  No more playful exams with blocks and motor skills assessments…no more piercing eyes watching her every move…silently righting on a pad.  THAT STUPID PAD THAT ALL DOCTORS MUST PURCHASE TOGETHER AT SOME WHOLESALE STORE.

Needless to say, two days ago I was waiting on my soy dulce latte with my daughter reading her book. She turned the page, pointed out a few pictures, and said “fishy, red, blue, robot” all of the simple and expected words.  Then she turned the page and started  smiling.  She opened her perfect  little mouth  and  sang, “twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder what you are.”   It was there, at that moment that time stood still.  I looked at my daughter, dropped to me knees and wrapped my arms around her little body. And there I was with tears streaming down my face, IN THE MIDDLE OF STARBUCKS singing twinkle, twinkle little star.

It’s a beautiful feeling having all of the self-doubt wash away.  There is a reason why God blesses us with our children.  It’s because He trusts us to raise them, but while we are raising them they are raising us.  Let’s let our stars grow and watch as they twinkle. 

Comments (9)

beautifully put. well stated. well done, sis!

Thank you! I appreciate you reading and sharing my moment with me. :)

great read Banks! twinkle twinkle little star

That was very wonderful Miss Banks. You're so full of spirit and I'm sure you're daughter will be the same way.

Oh my, I went through the same thing with my son. They tried to tell me he had an articulation problem after several test, but in my heart I felt he was just fine, and he was :) He didn't begin talking until he was 2 and half years old, but so smart and lovable. He is 6 now and talks well and still soooo smart. I truly enjoyed reading your story. Grown, twinkle and shine bright :)

You are a blessing on this earth. Your effort has a mother is extraordinary beautiful. I enjoy everything you write keep up the good work.

Blauk Market, "twinkle twinkle, little star" ;)

@Ron, thank you for your feedback. @Fearce, it's crazy how we as parents are tossing and turning over making the appropriate decisions for our children. Thank you for sharing.

I am in tears and understand wholeheartedly what you were feeling. It was when you decided to let go and let God. In that very moment your daughter spoke, then sang ***Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star***...What an awesome moment in time where God showed His Goodness...How Great is our God and How Great are YOU Mommy!!!

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