Posted by Antoinette R. Banks | Posted in | Posted on Saturday, June 23, 2012
I haven't written on this blog since March. Does that mean I'm incredibly neglectful, or since I use writing as a outlet...perhaps, I haven't wanted to confront my emotions. I tend to think of myself as a logical person. On occasion, I am overturn by my egotistical emotions...but I'd like to think I'm of a sound mind capable of making sound decisions.
What's she saying?!?! You may ask....well, I've been on this fitness kick for almost a month now. I have revamped the way I eat, am working out 5 times a week, more water, less sugar and definitely less salt. I am seeing major results and if you want my regimen, I'll share that on a later post.
Last week I woke up completely surrounded by negative thoughts. Hurt and upset at a few things I decided to go for a walk at Kenneth Hahn park after I dropped my little one off at school. I got to the park and watched as each hill somehow morphed into a personal life challenge--and of a sudden my leisure walk turned into a full out combat...and....I ran. I kept running. I could hear the beat of my heart and the coming and going of oxygen into my lungs take over the natural noises of the park and the distant traffic from La Cienega Blvd. My calfs screamed at me, my head pounded away--yet I kept running. I ran over the hills on the trail...down the slopes, and up a hill that I thought was never going to stop. I heard encouraging words of, "go girl" each time I passed another runner. I wanted to say thank you, but I was stuck--a prisoner at war within my own body. I ran so hard that when I finally got to a small opening my body literally gave out and I collapsed. I laid on the grass and stared up at the sky...listening to my heart creating it's own rhythm--no headphones needed. I laid there shocked at what I had just done. Almost an hour of complete torture...and then I cried.
I cried for the drama I have been going through with my daughter. I cried for the man I had given my heart to and he let shatter into a million pieces. I cried for my little brother in juvenile hall, I cried for the health of my grandmother, I cried for the spiritual strength of my mother...I cried, hiccuped, and cried again. Then all of a sudden like how the world stands still for the passing of an ambulance, I was at peace. Through my sobs I heard birds chirping, felt a small breeze from the wings of a butterfly and heard, "get up"...I rolled over onto my stomach and sat up. I wiped my face with the back of my sleeve and sat there. Stunned by the mechanics of my body...and my emotional outcry I whispered, "thank you, God for this breakthrough." I hadn't realized that I kept so many things bottled in, tucked away. And sometimes to be a good mother, I hide the things I go through, so that I'm strong for my 5-year-old. Healthy? No...but the irony in this post is that while I was focused on being a better steward over my body--eating right and working out; emotionally I was unhealthy.
I stood up, stretched for a little bit and thanked God for this revelation. To be a better me means confronting things, addressing problems. A healthier me starts internally. "Lord, you could have just said, 'let's talk'" instead of allowing me to almost kill myself running." I said jokingly. But one thing that I've learned is that God will supply all of our needs. He is the ultimate redeemer, counselor, healer...and if God--the very reason why I am here, is capable of resurrecting a dead body, capable of creating man kind and the very world we exist in--He is more than capable of healing a broken heart and offering wisdom to any situation.
As I limped away to my car, with sweat pouring down my body, I felt at peace with a better and clearer understanding of what it truly means to be healthy.