Nothing to Write

Posted by Antoinette R. Banks | Posted in | Posted on Saturday, May 21, 2011



I’ve had nothing to write about...similar to an open uninhabited desert salivating at the drop of rain. Wait…I'm doing too much. It's not that my life isn’t filled with small anecdotes…perhaps I should say, I haven’t WANTED to write anything. 

Sometimes writing makes things so drastically final.  And if you’ve come accustomed to the things I write, you’ll see they are mostly positive like I’ve “got it together.”  The truth is, I don’t…

Sometimes people find it odd when I’ve had a bad day, week, maybe month. “Antoinette, let me run this past you.” “Antoinette, can you offer me some advice…” “Antoinette, why aren’t you smiling?”  The reality is…how in the world can someone expect you to be on all the time?

Last week I had about three different people—completely unrelated in any form or fashion, come to me and tell me a certain colleague was talking about me.  It didn’t bother me none, particularly because I don’t care too much for her anyway, but when I saw her I knew I had to say something. I don’t know about you, but my book of the law says  “If your brother or sister sins against you, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over." Well, unfortunately she didn’t listen…she pretty much didn’t care.  And it REALLLLYYYY took all of the strength I could muster to not punch her in her face.  All in all, her major quorum was she believed I don't speak to her or smile when I see. Which naturallyyyy allowed her to come the conclusion that I am sometimey. [Insert sarcasm here] 

But what really bothered me was that her grading scale was comparing me to my twin sister.  Nicole is the opposite of me, always smiling and saying hello to everyone.  My attitude is what you see is what you get.  I don’t know how to smile if someone has crossed me….I didn’t learn how to smile when I have absolutely nothing to smile about it.  When I’m happy I’m happy….when I’m not…I’m just not.

Needless to say.  I haven’t been writing because I simply didn’t feel like it.  I’ve really only been doing what I wanted to do…not because it was right or wrong…but the authenticity in my emotions compelled me to.

If you gain anything from this post it is this: your feelings have authentic value. If you’re happy, share that happiness with the world so much that your smile is contagious. If you’re on the opposite side of the spectrum with your emotions, stay there for a while.  Live it, breath it, cry it out, and move on.  There’s no use in putting on a band-aid so tight that air doesn’t filter through for healing.

Comments (2)

I love this post! I have recently learned to do this myself. I used to always want to smile even when i'm not feeling well or not in a good mood just to please others. Now I am learning that I don't have to do that just be me in whatever mood I am in at the time.

Thanks for reading and commenting! I think women go through several phases of forced smiles.we often laugh when we want to cry and smile when we don't feel like it. I'm glad we are on the same road of authenticity. You are still you regardless of any is that thread that makes you unique.

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